It took me four years to learn how to ride a bike and that was only after I rode smack into a huge blue wall in the middle of a completely empty space

Late Night Break Up

I love you.

No you don't.

How do you know?

Because I don't love you.

Oh.

I'm not sorry either.

Oh.

I love your father.

What?

You're dad.

He's, like, 70.

He's a real man.

He's 70.

Don't tell him.

Why would I tell him.

Why wouldn't you.

He's married. To my mom. For like 50 years.

She's old though.

So is he.

And men cheat.

I think you should leave.

Loads of men want to cheat with me. I've had offers. I, like, remind them of something.

I need for you to leave now.

Is your dad home?

Where's your coat?

He's probably asleep. Is he a light sleeper? Lighter than your mom?

Here.

I wonder if I just lightly knocked on the door...

I want you to leave right now.

Or if I just slipped in next to him...

I'll call the cops.

She laughs.

Oh come on.

I will.

I'm not serious. (Beat) You think I want to do your dad. You're mom's like the sweetest person on the planet.

Ok.

I mean, your dad's fine and all.

Yeah.

But he's, like, 70.

He is.

Probably couldn't even perform if I did jump him.

73 actually.

I mean, it would be a thrill for him no doubt.

Sure. Sure.

I mean when you're 70.

73.

I bet you'll want your son's friend...

Girlfriend.

to make a pass at you.

I don't think so.

Oh come on you'll take your jimmys were you can get them.

I don't think so. And it's jollys I think.

I'd probably give him his first hard-on in years. Maybe decades.

I think I still want for you to go.

It was only a gag.

No. It's fine. But I think I still...

I mean except for the part about old men wanting me. That's true. I don't know why. Maybe they want all the girls. Oh god here I was thinking I was special but what if they make passes at everything walks by them. Jesus that's embarrassing.

It's getting late and I have to get up in the morning.

Would you want me if you were 70?

Not if I was married.

No, no but say you weren't married would you want me?

When you're 70?

No like I am now.

But I'm 70?

Right.

Probably.

Really?

I mean, I want you now; I don't think taste in women changes. But maybe it does. I guess it does. It must, right? Or else old people would be chasing around young people all day. So I don't know. Maybe I'd want you.

Maybe.

Or maybe I'd want you only I'd want you-at-70.

You want me to be 70.

Well not now, no, I...

There's a word for that. For the opposite of pedophile. But I don't know it because nobody talks about it because it disgusts people. Not that it disgusts me. But I'm a girl. And girls find older men, maturity, sexy. But it disgusts men because Mrs. Robinson and Maud aren't real. Men want firmness more than they want maturity. And I'm firm.

Yes.

And you like that I'm firm.

...yes...

But I won't always be firm.

...no?

I think we should break-up.

Okay.

Because I don't love you and you love me and I think that's going to make things awkward because there is all this expectation, all this pressure for me to fall in love with you now and I don't think I will because I really don't do well under pressure. I resist it. I run away from it. Kind of like I think I am going to run-away right now. Maybe that is why I find older men attractive. They're going to die soon. I tell you I love you and, wham bam!, we're married and then we're 70 and we have spent 40+ years together wanting to screw other people but remaining faithful out of politeness even though we want to be chasing around all the firm 20somethings; but if you're 70 then the pressure is off because even if we do end up married, it won't be for the rest of my life. The rest of your life, sure, but I will have a life after marriage. A safety net.

I think we should break-up.

Oh. You're sweet.

Okay.

You don't have to.

I know. But I think I do. Think that.

Oh.

You're freaking me out.

And so you're breaking up with me.

I'm agreeing with you.

That we should break up.

Right.

Because I'm freaking you out.

Yes. No...Yes.

You're so immature.
She opens door.
And you wonder why I'm sleeping with your dad.
She leaves.